Lost: Reborn, Reawakened, Rediscovered, Reclaimed

AAAGH! So here’s what you’ve missed on SYD’S LIFE:

I had a somewhat stalker. This was the dude from the summer who, when I was invisible on chat and just checking through my emails, would send me message after message and get upset after I wouldn’t respond. What gives him the authority to override my choice to not to talk to people? And he does it to my friend too and I ask her if she’s annoyed but she just talks to him anyway and says that even if I don’t want to I should talk to him but the hell i will. And then he continues this in public and decides that I should always talk to him and I’m like I’m busy or sleepy or idc about you so stfu and then he’ll continue and actually try to lecture me about it. And now he’s reverted to talking ABOUT me to other ppl to get me to respond and complaining that I still won’t respond

It all went downhill from there. I emailed a drabble, a dream I had, to my ex (let’s not talk about this. i wasn’t thinking clearly) that mentioned something about said stalker and he sent it to him (this is why he’s my ex. can’t trust anybody). Now said stalker admitted to me the week after his best friend asked me out that he liked me. I mean, what the hell does he expect? In the piece, WHICH WAS ENTIRELY FICTION, it implied that he liked me. Of course, idk what else went on in a conversation between those two but he was pissed at me for telling his friend that he liked me. Which i didn’t. Because it was a work of fiction. It was so fictional, it involved both of them. 

I assumed that he was a sadomasochist bc he continued to follow me around and I even called him an attention whore to his face.

my friends have apparently sided with him about me being “immature” (ignoring and pushing him away) which is all fine and dandy. As a friend, I don’t require them to take my side. That’s not what I expect in a friendship. I do, however, expect them to be real and honest with me.

Recently I’ve let up because it’s exhausting being indifferent towards someone and he’s not worth that energy. I still get so incredibly frustrated and thus take out my frustration online. Because I’m too good of a person to tell someone that. I don’t believe in it. I believe that you should leave your emotions out of the equation. Emotions are usually irrational and shouldn’t be directed at someone. That’s where “lashing out in anger” comes from. So none of my rants were directed at him. They were basically my diary, me talking about how I feel and what I thought. 

And then my close (well I THOUGHT we were close) friend up and tells him, “Syd ranted on her blog about you.” Just like that. Even though most of her grief from our friends came from when she spoke her mind on her old blog and someone found it and told the rest. That’s where most of her problems came from and she decides to do it to me, her long time supporter and one of her few remaining friends. Do you know how terrible that feels? One of her last allies and she turns on me? When I confront her about it, she says that she just wanted to hold it above his head, something she knew that he didn’t. That’s so incredibly immature that I wanted to slap her. But I didn’t. Because it was done online and I read it long after she posted it while eating chocolate. I simply cannot have malicious thoughts while eating chocolate.

So somehow he obtains my blog url (i don’t know who from. There’s only 2 of my friends involved in this and they both say they didn’t. the only other option is my ex and that’s disconcerting enough) and reads through all of the rants and has the AUDACITY to send me this email:

Okay Sydney, I understand that you hate/dislike/whatever me. But I find it ridiculous and petty that you would rant about that on the Internet. Look, I don’t know why you were ignoring me, or why you stopped ( not that I’m complaining ) but your ranting at me via the Internet is just… petty.

I’m sorry that I’m getting angry, but I’ve put up with a lot of this over the last few months, like the constant insults both to my face and behind my back. So please stop.

Cordially,
 NSS

As if I should apologize to him for speaking my mind, not to him but to a blank slate, for talking my emotions out. I’m not ranting to him. He was not supposed to read anything. It was not meant for him. He was not supposed to have my url (the reason I made such a drastic name change). So I don’t email him back. I made a follow up post on my blog about how it’s my freedom of speech and i don’t really give a damn. And I don’t insult him behind his back. The only way he could have known that I talk out my frustration to my (formerly) best friends is if they told him. Which I don’t find out of the question. It’s like he expects them to “fix me” or something. He’s immature enough to go whine to them every time there’s a bump and expects them to do something. Just another betrayal to add to my formerly empty list. 

I have to deal with him in physics, acting passive-aggressively and talking about me to my friends or referring to me and he gets upset when I don’t react. How does this boy not get that I DON”T FUCKING CARE ABOUT HIS SILENT TREATMENT! That’s what I want! He also has the nerve that, when visiting a mutual friend of ours during lunch, telling me to go away and that I’m unwanted. Number 1: I’ve never treated him like that. He’s telling everyone that I’ve been treating him like crap. No. That’s not how the cold shoulder works. That’s not how it goes. I’m ignoring him, not being pissy. 2: I’ve never done shit to him. Yes, my friend does. Yes, I’m not his mother and I don’t patrol him. No, I don’t let him go too far. This is how I treat all my friends. We tease each other. 3: 

And then I’ve been acting more aggressively and when he tries to make him passive-aggressive comments, I put him back into check. I correct him. I’m tired of his condescending ways.

Meanwhile, my two formerly best friends are at odds and in conflict with each other. I’m trying to mediate and make sure they both aren’t blowing it out of proportion. Because that’s what I do. I’m that kind of friend. It’s not like they’ve ever asked for my side of the story or how I feel when they mention him. Nope. Because his words are the truth that they know. I get that. You always believe the first person. I’m just the big enough person not to go whining to them if someone doesn’t like me. If someone doesn’t like me, I deal with it and move on with my life. I don’t need everyone to like me. If they don’t, they don’t. I’m too independent for that.

Tonight, while trying to figure out how to word an email to my teacher about a much needed backing, I get this chat. I’ve been trying to reintegrate myself with being online because I have been rather antisocial. Instead of always being invisible, I’ve changed my status to available and I was just getting used to it. And then I get this:

Noah hello 8:27 PM

Noah what’s up? 8:27 PM Noah’s new status message - This song sums up my current state of mind vey well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUATkpMQ8A&ob=av3e   8:29 PM

Noah sydney, jiayin suggested that we talk because she feels that this needs to be resolved 8:30 PM

Noah and, of course, you’re ignoring me well you know what? I’m not to blame here I did nothing and you made my life miserable, if not a living hell so thank you for nothing 8:33 PM

Noah i really appreciate that and while I’m on this subject I’m not manipulating anyone your friends agree with me because you’re in the wrong here sydney. 8:36 PM

Noah also, I do have social skills. If I didn’t I’d have no friends and would probably be sitting in a corner and thinly veiled tirades on the internet don’t solve anything. For one, I’m happy that i came to my senses before I went out and got you Arkham City for non-denominational winter festival sohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUATkpMQ8A&ob=av3e

Gives You Hell (Full Narrative Version) that’s basically it again, thank you so much for ruining my life and making me miserable because i thought you were smart, funny, good-looking, and witty, and that you were a good person 8:40 PM

And this is my breaking point. I can’t take it any more. Jiayin, Jy, the one who I’ve been coaching for the past four years through all of her friendship problems, her insecurities, her issues, decided instead of talking to me (which she has my undivided attention for 30 minutes every day) about things, goes to him, says, “You should talk to sydney.” She has my email. She has my tumblr. She can’t even mention to me about this? That she wants us to talk? That she has any opinion on the matter at all? I’ve warned her before, when she was on both sides, that blahblahblah was going to talk to her so she could gather her wits. I’ve told her, I’ve told them all, time and time again that there’s nothing to resolve. There’s nothing fixable. I just don’t like him. I don’t like his personality or his actions and I don’t want to be around him. I’ve never said that he’s to blame or that I’m not being irrational. I know this. I’ve admitted this. I just find this entire thing to be bullshit. I find the fact that my friends are not talking to me, THEIR FRIEND, about what they feel and think utterly stupefying. Obviously they can talk about each other and they can talk to me about their feeling but they can’t take the time out of our inane conversations to mention something to me that they obviously feel strongly about. It’s utter bullshit that this is all going on behind my back. That this is about me but they’ve never said anything to me and expect me to be okay with it. It’s bullshit that they can’t seem to understand my stance on it all or even care to listen to it. I listen to them, advise them, console them, and they can’t even accept one fucking decision. They can’t even ask for my side of it.

Do you know how that feels? Do you know how fucking frustrating it is to have officially lost all respect for the few people holding you together? They were my closest friends. They were the last ones I had left. Everyone else had drifted away. And now they’re gone.

I’m so fucking tired of giving some much, of being a good friend, and having it thrown in my face. I don’t like the way they’ve handled a lot of things but I’ve never done something as stupid and thoughtless as they’ve been acting. I’m tired of it. I don’t care anymore. [And the whole, “Gives You Hell” thing? Not cute. At all. It’s funny in a tragic way. Because the whole point of this fiasco is that no, it doesn’t give me hell. That’s the point of my new blog name] I don’t know what to do or say but I am going to do and say something. I just need time to figure it out. Ugh. MyLifeisDrama

I’m not actively angry any more. It’s a giant waste of time. But I can’t let this go on. I’m more upset with my friends and not with him. This has been the goal, for him to leave me alone. If only he’d realized that sooner.

Oh, and not to mention that he apparently ranted on his blog about me. I don’t remember how I found out. I really don’t care because blogs are personal expressions of feelings and thoughts and me caring would be hypocritical. However, it’s open and I’m trying to resist reading it. That would not be productive and definitely not be healthy. That’s my problem: I don’t care if people are talking about me but I want to know what they’re saying. It’d probably be a good idea if I took this as a chance to see things from his point of view.

But it makes me feel guilty just thinking about it. I’ve apparently made his days miserable. That was not my goal. I thought that if someone asked you to leave them alone or were distant and harsh, one would go away or back off. This persistence was not in the plan. I blame society and “playing hard to get”. I don’t mean harm. I don’t hate him. I just don’t want to be around him. It’s another one of my problems: I don’t hate people. I hate personalities and actions but I don’t hate people. And I hate to hurt people. I try to be careful but this was inevitable really. I’ve checked out the lyrics to Gives You Hell. It does make me feel bad when I see him. But not for the reason he wants me to feel it. He’ll never know though.

I’m considering sending him a single email. It’ll describe things from my point of view (a lot calmer than this was), why i did the things I did, what my stance is, and anything else that needs to be resolved BECAUSE NO ONE THINKS TO ASK SYD WHAT SHE THINKS/FEELS. It’ll be terse and politically correct and polite and will have a no reply policy. I’ll also mention him forwarding it around bc I know he will. My friends might be upset with me not mentioning it them but at this point, idk. I just need some nonsensical closure. Girls crave that shit.

I just don’t know anymore. I just don’t have anyone or know anything and I’m afraid I might go into isolation again. I’m afraid I might overly detach myself from everything like before and relapse. I’m terrified because those were not good times. I need my friends support to keep my head above the water. I don’t have family to rely on and I’m inconsistent when it comes to the internet.

I don’t know what to do and I usually don’t have drama. I’m usually the one fixing it. Where’s my Syd to pull me out of my slump and to make sure I’m not left alone?

Maybe I just feel unappreciated and that makes me want to lash out at my friends. Maybe I feel bad. I know what I was doing was stupid but it seemed to be the only choice. Maybe I’m just confused or frustrated or whatever. I just don’t know.